Halloween Shenanigans: A Night of Chaos and Costumes

Trick or Treating: A Distant Memory

Ok, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm getting older. Or maybe I just have way too many kids. But I do not remember trick-or-treating being this bad when my older kids were younger! Half the houses can’t be bothered to put out the socially acceptable "bare minimum bowl." You know, the one where the first pre-teen boy walks up and dumps the whole thing in his bag, leaving nothing for the rest? Now, people just hide in their houses with the lights out, even though you can see the reflection of NCIS bouncing off their back window. Thanks for nothing, Grandpa Willy!

Then there are the kids… Lord, these kids! My little ones were running around like chickens with their heads cut off—no sense of direction, no rhythm, just pure candy-driven chaos. They'd hit one house, skip five (even though they were participating), dart across the street for one, then back again like sugar-fueled squirrels with ADHD. I swear we crossed the street so many times chasing them that I got whiplash.

To make matters even better, I channeled my inner Grumpy Old Man, shaking my imaginary cane at the kids driving by. I resisted the urge to yell, "Slow down, you hooligans!" while simultaneously trying to get a pic of their license plate for Super Sleuth Bailey. You know, so we could look up their address and toilet paper their cars! I didn’t do that, of course… yet.

The Split Personality of Parenthood

It’s like my personality split once I had kids. I didn’t really grow and mature as normal people do. Part of me time-traveled 50 years into the future and is now Grandma Betty, while the other half is still the crazy, immature, zero-f's-given teenager I always was. Too often, I find myself laughing at my kids when they do something inappropriate, only to turn and look at my husband, who is giving me that crazy look and slowly shaking his head. That’s when I awkwardly stop laughing and just walk out of the room. Whoopsie!

But anyway, let me take my Adderall so I can stay on point. Please hold! (Drugs are good, mmmkay—South Park gif)

And we're back!

By 9:00 PM, I was face-planted in bed, fully dressed. I have officially reached "nightcap of prune juice with Metamucil and a side of blood pressure medication" status. Someone grab me my readers so I can find my AARP card! Bailey was her own special kind of demented, hiding in the corner of her garage and jumping out at toddlers. She later described it as, "It gave me such a buzz I didn’t even need to drink to calm my nerves and enjoy." I can envision her little troll self sitting in the dark corner, just waiting to traumatize little Tommy and Sally when they innocently reach for candy out of her bowl. She is a special kind of weirdo, and that’s why we work so well together.

The Morning After: Sports and Shenanigans

The next day… we both had sports!? Why? Why is every single weekend filled with sports? But I won’t go down that rabbit hole again. It was my son’s final playoff game, which they won, ending in 3rd place for the season. (My son broke his collarbone, and the QB got a concussion the game before. That loss knocked them out of the championship, but all the boys left it on the field.) Much like the Buckeyes did!! Wink! "OH!!" anybody? Bueller? Fine… "IO!!"

But before I could even catch my breath or finish a chicken wing, I was off to Bailey's to help set up for the Halloween party. And let me tell you, Bailey's Halloween costume was next-level cinematic insanity. She went full-on Danny DeVito's Penguin from Batman Returns. It was disturbingly accurate—DISTURBING being the main word.

Bailey fully taking on Danny DeVito’s The Penguin

We’re talking shoulder-length greasy, grimy gray hair that I had to individually glue on piece by piece onto her bald cap. My fingers were glued together most of the night, but the wig got done, so I just accepted the fact that my hands looked like duck feet. She wore a coffee- and tea-soaked one-piece long john outfit that was so nasty and cringe but smelled absolutely delightful. A prosthetic nose the size of a… um, carrot? Yeah, let’s go with carrot. And blacked-out teeth that made me literally throw up in my mouth every time she smiled. Not kidding! I was begging her to brush it off her teeth halfway through because I couldn’t even stand looking at her! But she thrived and ate it up! I think I suffered more than she did… But art is pain, right? She wasn’t beauty!

The Party: Beer Pong and Well Spread Boards

At no surprise to anyone (okay, just Bailey and me), Team Well Spread crushed it in beer pong. We were undefeated for the night! Our final win ended with her chest-bumping me in her fat suit straight into a spiderweb backdrop. I was trapped like a fly in a… well… spiderweb. But it was worth it! Because, say it with me—WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! (Imagine Queen making that song about us!) And sore ones at that! Sportsmanship? NEVER HEARD OF IT! Thank God we won because, as you can assume, we are even worse losers. We’re horrible people who aren’t above flipping a table upon our defeat.

Of course, our Well Spread Halloween Board was the main event (along with 200 jello shots and blood bags filled with basically just red rum!). Granted, everyone wasn’t eating a lot, but we had about 40 people there, and the board happily fed anyone who was hungry without running out! Also, granted, we were force-feeding some people to absorb some of the alcohol they were drinking.

The theme was Heroes and Villains, which for me translated to: How can I technically follow the theme while also staying comfortable and putting in zero effort? So I went as Raven from Teen Titans. Demon superhero, so technically a hero and villain, and then I just put on my Lulu leggings with a purple wig and purple cape! Done. Nailed it. Meanwhile, everyone else showed up ready for the Met Gala of Cosplay. There was a K-pop demon hunter and a Saja boy that were spot on, a hilariously perfect orderly Hal and Grandma from Happy Gilmore, and my personal favorite—Marv and Harry from Home Alone. The Wet Bandits!!

To say they understood the assignment is an understatement. The wife who was Marv had fingerless gloves and a bald spot in a snow beanie with feathers everywhere, and he (Harry) had a crowbar, a spider on his shoulder, and the most realistic iron burn on his face I have ever seen. I literally walked up to him, stuck my phone flashlight in his eyes, and touched my webbed fingers all over his face, trying to understand how he pulled it off. Simple answer: his wife did it, with lipstick and white eyeliner. She is a damn Picasso! Looking around, I felt like I needed to fall to my knees like Wayne and Garth and chant, "We're not worthy!"

But of course, the best overall costume? Bailey, duh! (To be clear, she would have killed me if I didn’t say that, but I actually do believe it.) She may have gotten a few gray hairs from pulling it off, but pull it off she did, nonetheless! Nothing beats a pretty girl ditching the cliché sexy basic costume for something disgusting and hilarious. That’s real commitment right there. And so much more our personalities, which is why we pair so Well (Spread). Okay, yeah, that was an uncomfortable plug. Oh well, my bad.

The Countdown to Thanksgiving

After that, we got exactly one day off before jumping headfirst into Thanksgiving planning. For me, that’s basically non-stop college visits mixed in with over-the-top cooking. And for Bailey, it’s figuring out how to load the car with all the food and pots and pans she needs to do Thanksgiving in the woods (okay, okay, the mountains… lol) while also finding a way to fit her whole family and her giant potato of a dog into the car. Don’t be surprised if you see her 7-foot-tall husband strapped to the roof of the car for that drive since there may not be enough room inside (and yes, she drives a huge Tahoe).

Oh yeah—Christmas filming. Because nothing says balance like taking down fake cobwebs only to immediately start hanging garland and snowflakes. We’re prepping our Butter Board video for our December release while simultaneously panicking because our sweatshirt shipment got delayed. Our holiday market is in 2 weeks, and we are basically cartoon characters chewing our nails down to nubs. We will both look like Captain Hook if it doesn’t get here soon! It’s fine, I’m fine, we’re fine! (She laughs nervously.) We will just keep saying that until one of us believes it! We have our beautiful models waiting to shoot in our merch, Bailey is terrorizing our manufacturers, and I’m over here clinging to a wine bottle, fully dressed, curled in the fetal position in my bathtub, hitting refresh on the tracking status and trying not to ugly cry while I hide from all my kids. How are we? Never better! Why do you ask??

Until next time… Don’t let yourself be spread thin, be Well Spread!